Most Useless Console Gaming Gadgets of All Time

When home gaming systems landed in people’s living rooms in the early eighties it was only a matter of time before some enterprising fellow with an eye for exploitation decided he could sell those prehistoric gamers piles of useless gadgets and gear to feed their new-found addictions.  Ever since, companies have been churning out tons of various controllers, add-ons, and even fashion accessories—most of them completely useless or broke from the get-go—and we’ve been handing them money hand over fist.  From game-specific keypads for the Atari 2600 to Xbox 360 cooling units that catch on fire, the retail market is full of useless crap.

The following is just a short list of some of the most useless console gaming peripherals of all time.


The Nintendo Power Pad


I wasn’t lucky enough to have a NES growing up but my 4 cousin’s did.  When their mom brought home this flashy floor mat, we played Track and Field for weeks.  Though the Powerpad looks an awful lot like the illegitimate great-granddaddy of the DDR pad that college kids and closet Fame wannabes destroyed by the thousands, this distant relative never was worth the price people paid for it.  There were only a handful of games that anybody could even contemplate using the pad for (Mario was not one of them) and the sensitivity/reaction time of the pad’s sensors was way out of whack.  Most of the time we just ended up laying on the floor, pounding the thing to death with our fists and getting yelled at because we were being too loud.
I suppose that’s better than having a houseful teenage boys sweating the behinds off sans-shoes.

Power Pad in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlkO-x6jANo


Wii 8-in-1 Weapons Bundle

 
I spotted this particular item on the dusty shelf of a discount clothing retailer the season after the Wii’s sales peaked and everybody but yoga moms and wannabe wizards had forgotten about the console.
I never saw this thing on an electronics store shelf and it’s probably a good thing.  Had I, I may have required a sedative in order to stop laughing.  Seriously, it’s a cluster of foam cutouts that vaguely resemble melee weapons you’re supposed to strap to your Wii-mote in order to feel more like a bloodthirsty Kraken even as you’re chowing down your Happy Meal in your Underroos.  Thankfully, this (and the thousands of other similar products like it) never made a very big splash—thanks to the Wii pretty much tanking among hardcore gamers.  In order to convince someone to part with hard-earned cash for miniaturized foam cutouts of swords and battle axes you have to be genius.  To actually spend your money for them . . . not-so-much.


Nintendo Superscope


Light guns are awesome.  The instant I saw a squad of Stormtroopers laying down blaster fire inside the Tantive IV I knew I was destined to sling weapons that spewed lasers! Someone at Nintendo heard my calling and delivered unto me the Zapper.  No digital duck was safe after that day.  However, Nintendo wasn’t content with a pistol.  Oh no!  They knew that every kid in America needed a bazooka!  Enter the Superscope.
A massive piece of machinery, the Superscope sure looked imposing and it promised to put the destructive power of Rambo into the hands of teens everywhere but in reality the weapon was a lemon.  Whereas the Zapper was precise, compact, and accurate the Superscope was just the opposite in every respect.  My cousins’ SNES was in the upstairs hallway (don’t know why but there it sat) and trying to blast rodents in digital whack-a-mole with a two-foot plastic tube in a confined space and not take someone’s head off proved challenging.  And even when we could get it pointed in the TV’s general direction, it was nearly impossible to actually hit a target and lead to the house echoing with calls of “what the <bleep>. . . I shot that!”


Wii-Bowl


You know there had to be another Wii peripheral on the list and here it is.  Remember all the fuss people were having when the Wii first came out about the Wii-motes slipping out of their hands and flying through their TV screens?  No?  Where were you for six months?  Now imagine a Wii-mote the size and shape of a bowling ball.
You get the picture.
Yes Wii Bowling is probably one of the best games on the system, fun for the whole family, with enough subtle nuances to challenge even professional bowlers but do we really need such a huge hunk of plastic to fling a digital ball?  You didn’t see folks back in the day playing Pong with rackets, did you?  I sense a whole new wave of TV’s bighting the dust after this puppy hits the streets.


Nintendo Power Glove


And here it is, the worst piece of garbage gamers have ever shelled out dollars for—the Nintendo Power Glove.  Why is this controller so bad?  Is it because it’s “control” is ethereal at best?  Is it because if you were a fat kid (like I was) the cursed thing didn’t even fit your pudgy mitt?  Is it because the commercials made us believe we could actually be better gamers, cooler people, and even get ladies by wearing this thing? Well, yeah, it kind of is but it’s also the worst because it’s quite possibly the coolest idea ever to have gone horribly wrong!
What could be more awesome than being able to slip your electronic gauntlet of domination on and pwn all of your buddies?  Nothing.  What’s worse than smashing at the overpriced piece of garbage strapped to your wrist while your friends run circles around you with regular controllers?  Nothing.
When I was young, those of us who could strap the old Power Glove on just used to wear the thing (unattached to the console) and use a regular controller.  Pointless?  Yes, but satisfying on some deep primal level.