Tanaren
Luke Warm
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 210
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 Posted: 06/22/03 - 20:54 Post subject: The JDogg Collection - A Troll's Penthouse Forum
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from slashdot:
I put on my robe and wizard hat
J-Dogg> Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears27> Aight.
J-Dogg> Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears27> I slip out of my pants, just for you, J-Dogg.
J-Dogg> Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears27> Oh, I like to play dress up.
J-Dogg> Me too baby.
BritneySpears27> I kiss you softly on your chest.
J-Dogg> I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears27> Hey...
J-Dogg> I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears27> Funny I still don't see it.
J-Dogg> I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuk of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears27> You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
J-Dogg> Don't fuk with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
J-Dogg> I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears27> Don't ever message me again you piece of shiat.
J-Dogg> Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
J-Dogg> King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
J-Dogg> You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
J-Dogg> Baby?
*
I'm a Rhino
sexysusan> Thats ok. Ok I'm a japanese schoolgirl, what are you.
J-Dogg> A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
sexysusan> Haha, ok lets go.
sexysusan> I put my hand through your hair, and kiss you on the neck.
J-Dogg> I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
sexysusan> Haha, ok, you know that turns me on.
sexysusan> I start unbuttoning your shirt.
J-Dogg> Rhinoceruses don't were shirts.
sexysusan> No, your not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
J-Dogg> Rhinoceruses don't play games. They fuking charge your ass.
sexysusan> Stop, c'mon be serious.
J-Dogg> It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
J-Dogg> I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
sexysusan> Thats it.
J-Dogg> Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
J-Dogg> Goddam am I hard now.
*
Britney> Part 2
BritneySpears14> Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA> Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14> I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA> huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14> Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14> I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA> Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14> What the fuck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA> Oh shit
BritneySpears14> I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you fuck up.
eminemBNJA> Oh shit
eminemBNJA> damn I gotta write down your names or something
*
Mmmmm, Vegetables
J-Dogg> Wanna cyber?
Partner7> Sure, you into vegetables?
J-Dogg> What like gardening an shit?
Partner7> Yeah, something like that.
J-Dogg> Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
J-Dogg> You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
Partner7> is that it?
J-Dogg> You water your tomato patch.
J-Dogg> Are you ready for my fresh produce?
Partner7> I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
J-Dogg> I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
J-Dogg> I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
Partner7> Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
J-Dogg> my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
J-Dogg> Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.
Partner7> ...
J-Dogg> My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
Partner7> What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
J-Dogg> Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
Partner7> whatever.
*
Ben Affleck is NOT gay!
J-Dogg> Ok baby, you promise me you will stick around till I'm done?
(partner4> Ben Affleck, alone on a saturday night because he is a peice of moldy rat shit, is posing as a young girl looking for cyber partners.)
Ben>Yeah Mr. Dogg. Anything for you, you are so handsome and studly.
J-Dogg> Good, now I'm into some wierd shit, so don't be surprised aight?
Ben> ok mr. Doggy I promise.
J-Dogg> Aight then, we settle down on the couch...
Ben> Oh romantic? This isn't wierd, I like it like that baby. What else.
J-Dogg> I put in a movie so that your mom can't hear us. It is called "Good Will Hunting".
Ben> Aaahhhh....
J-Dogg> I like this movie a lot.
Ben> Ok, thats cool.
J-Dogg> You start getting frisky so I put my hand down your undies. They have care bears on them. You are my 15 year old niece and we are in my aunts house.
Ben> ohhhh I like where this is going...
J-Dogg> Suddenly this fuck with short dark hair comes on the TV screen. I think his name is Ben something. He is a real piece of moldy rat shit. I can't keep it up because of him. I need some shark fin soup.
Ben> What the fuck, you are the piece of shit, what you got against Ben Affleck, I heard he's real good in the sack, and gets ALL the ladies.
J-Dogg> Yeah right, I bet he's at home right now geting it on with some guy.
Ben> Fuck you I'm out of here. And Ben Affleck is 100% not gay, I can assure you of that.
(Ben logs off and cries himself to sleep)
J-Dogg> Goddammit, not again.
J-Dogg> Still not hard either.
J-Dogg> f**k.
*
Papa Johns
J-Dogg>Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate>OK, but don't tell anybody ;>)
DirtyKate>Who are you?
J-Dogg> I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
J-Dogg>And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate>You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
J-Dogg>Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate> Haha! OK
DirtyKate>Hello! I'd like an extra>EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
J-Dogg>Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X>Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate>I want everything, baby!
J-Dogg>Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate>Umm...Yes
DirtyKate>So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
J-Dogg>Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate>I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
J-Dogg>You can't hurry good pizza.
J-Dogg>I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate>So you're at my front door now.
J-Dogg>How did you know?
J-Dogg>I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
J-Dogg>Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate>Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
J-Dogg>So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate>Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
J-Dogg>I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate>What the fuck?
DirtyKate>You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate>f**k
*
Trench boots
Mandy4u26> Yeah I'm here.
J-Dogg> You ready?
Mandy4u26> Okay.
J-Dogg> I take off my trenchcoat I'm nekked beneath, with pistols on my belt.
Mandy4u26> Cowboy boots?
J-Dogg> WWI era trench issue boots.
Mandy4u26> okay...
J-Dogg> Help me pull my boots off baby.
Mandy4u26> Whats that smell?
J-Dogg> Rotting toes.
Mandy4u26> Ummm...
J-Dogg> My boots pop off. My feet are black. The toes crumble off with the slightest touch. The dead black tissue that was once my skin chips off in large crispy flakes. A smell of death pervades the room. Gangrenous pus drips from the ends of the stumps where my toes were. I look deep in your eyes, and shove my tongue down your throat.
Mandy4u26> ...
J-Dogg> You carress my ass, and trim my pubes...
*
I was great, you loved it
QT>Pie>Hey
Jdogg>whats goin on
QT>Pie>Nothing. Who are you?
Jdogg>Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
QT>Pie>what does that mean?
Jdogg>what are you wearing?
QT>Pie>T>shirt. Jeans.
Jdogg>Garter belt?
QT>Pie>Ummm...no.
Jdogg>Are we gonna cyber or not?
QT>Pie> uh, okay.
Jdogg>Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
Jdogg> You're wet already. I can smell your stink from here.
QT>Pie> WHAT?!
Jdogg> I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg>You leave everything to jdogg.
Jdogg>I am completely inside of you. You are my dik puppet. I put on a little play.
QT>Pie>This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg> I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT>Pie> A stripe?
Jdogg> I need a sandwich.
QT>Pie> You're a freak.
Jdogg> I was great. You loved it.
*
Steve Austin
J-Dogg> I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca> mmmm, okay.
J-Dogg> I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca> Yeah I like it rough.
J-Dogg> I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca> Oh yeah, that feels good.
J-Dogg> Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
J-Dogg> I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca> you like that?
J-Dogg> I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca> Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
J-Dogg> get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca> Peanuts?
J-Dogg> Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca> What are you talking about?
J-Dogg> I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca> This is stupid.
J-Dogg> Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
J-Dogg> Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
J-Dogg> Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca> /ignore
J-Dogg> Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
J-Dogg> We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.
*
The reluctant partner
J-Dogg> I see you in line at the supermarket. Our eyes meet.
Partner8> Who the fuck are you?
J-Dogg> I mouth the words to you, as if in slow motion>
J-Dogg> Fuck me, Fuck me.
J-Dogg> My wishes are like poetry in your eyes. We want this moment to last forever.
Partner8> OMFG are you trying to cyber me?
J-Dogg> We are like two dancers, for whom the music never stops. I Kiss the top of your hand. You are taken aback by the bulge that forms in your thigh.
Partner8> Is that like cancer?
J-Dogg> If cancer is our love, then I hope you don't have the technology of chemotherapy.
Partner8> Good one romeo.
J-Dogg> You grab the bulge that you feel. you tihink it must be taking over your mind, theres nothing else you can think of. My tubesteak to you is like a beautiful japanese haiku.
The salmon swim at night.
Towards your room.
The snow and the moon.
Partner8> that was never a haiku.
J-Dogg> To your light bulb I am the Thomas Edison of your sex. Withought my light you would be lost in a sea of darkness.
Partner8> That made even less sense than your "haiku"
J-Dogg> So you ready to fuck then?
Partner8> You unbutton my pants, spew your load at the sight of my underwear, and your spent.
J-Dogg> ...
Partner8> ?
J-Dogg> I'm spent.
*
Of course I'm an 18 year old girl, please don't shoot me
Partner6> So you're really a 18 yr old girl right?
J-Dogg> Yeah, J for Julie.
Partner6> So whats with the "Dogg"
J-Dogg> Uh, It's cause I'm into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin with tha homies and shit.
Partner6> Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?
J-Dogg> Yeah like I got 6 guns.
Partner6> Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?
J-Dogg> hehe, of course baby.
Partner6> I pull off my pants and show you my "gun".
J-Dogg> Ohh, it's so big.
Partner6> Yeah, what you want to do?
J-Dogg> Umm, i guess stroke it or something.
Partner6> It likes that.
J-Dogg> aight.
Partner6> Keep talking to me baby...
J-Dogg> I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
Partner6> Mmmm, daddy like.
J-Dogg> I unzip my pants...
Partner6> Yes, show me what you got.
J-Dogg> I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts...
Partner6> WTF?!
J-Dogg> Oh shit, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!
Partner6> I've had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only fuck women...
J-Dogg> Shit just don't shoot me man, I wasn't serious about the guns I have, I'm unarmed!
Partner6> You dipshit.
J-Dogg> I whimper to myself...
J-Dogg> please don't shoot me Mr.
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