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Occulis
RealPoor Jedi
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 13293
Location: Moral Relativity Central
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 Posted: 03/23/03 - 03:38 Post subject: NWS: My actual Fellowship review! (Long)
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Now that I've cooled off a little, I realize what p****d me off about the movie.
* Galadlaeiddrial. Ultimate nurturer model. Never wrong. Sees all. Passes the ring test (of course). Presented as both the image of a ****, pure, ripe and fertile woman while simultaneously chaste and virginal, a holy Mary or mother-of-saints. Also known as the "this is the way retarded women with no grip on reality see themselves." I have a special disliking for this glorified toilet scrubber. Probably because I have grouped with many of these prima donnas in EQ and they are almost as sickening to deal with as are 45 year old flabby men who grease their hair back, drive 'muscle' cars and talk about "grabbing some brewskies."
* Unnecessary melodrama. 3 arrows in the chest and it still takes the Grondor (whatever) trecherous ring-luster human guy at least 9 hours to die while gasping out final prayers to Super Ranger.
There were very strong moments of bonding for the hobbits, bordering on sappy. Sam chose to be so literal in his execution of the promise to Gandalf that some scenes bordered on comedy. The near-drowning, for instance. I had forgotten (or was it in?) the book.
* Good, old-fashioned, poorly-layed out overwhelming-odds-saved-in-the-nick-of-time b******t scenes. Pick any of the following for 3 points each: a) 900,000 orcs/goblins/whatever crawling at the Fellowship as they run toward the bridge. b) 90,000 super-orcs coming up the hill and 4 men killing them. Yes I've read a little about Greek history but these men did not have a superior terrain advantage. Let's role play and say the men were level 20 and the orcs were all level 2. 90,000 orcs will still stomp you. c) No robots. I'm surprised you're still reading this paragraph so I had to throw this part in.
* No black people. In fact, no mexicans either. I think there were japs but i'm not sure. This really doesn't matter but it stuck out.
* Stirring together CGI landscapes, mournful James Horner-esque theme music and british accents does not mean it's automatically an "epic" scene, much less movie. I am clawing at my throat. Please stab me.
* There was more but I just finished watching Blade 2 for the first time, and since it didn't try to be something it's not, it was a lot more enjoyable. So I'm in a better mood. So now I'll focus on what was good in LotR!
Now the good stuff! Here were the things well done:
* Invisibility. Perfect! It really gave the viewer a sense of how intimately bound Sauron's power was with the ring. How using it for even a second (like @ the beginning, on accident) fixates the dark boy's Flaming-Eyeball-o-Tron on the ring like a laser beam from the Regan era blasting some shitbird soviet out of his vodka distillery.
* Gandalf morphing into some kinda, uh, Dark Gandalf of the Whoopass at the beginning. The way the house warped and shit as he asserted his power, reminding Bilbo of their relationship. For some reason reminded me of old movies where hysterical women are slapped hard across the face.
* Bilbo freaking out in the Elven city after showing Frodo his book. The sudden black circles under his eyes and his demon-like appearance when he snapped at Frodo was executed flawlessly.
* Pretty colors.
* No movie, especially not this one, is supposed to be 100% word-for-word representation of the book. Part of the toolset of audiovisual is enhancing things the book could not. Like orcs making pig noises and uh... orcs making pig noises. It's been so long since I've read the books, I got to enjoy Fellowship of the Ring for what it is: a whole f*****g lot better than nothing.
It was especially nice to watch it alone, without a nit-picking shitbird (such as myself) beside me ranting about the inconsistencies. Or some frothing fanboy raving at the accuracies. Whatever.
HERE IS THE FINAL COUNTDOWN:
* Worthless characters in movie: 250,000+
* Solid characters who stuck to their roles: 2
* Scenes with Pretty Colors: At least 4!
* Worthless speeches made: Not too many!
ELAVIS GIVES THIS MOVIE A FLAMING C+.
BLADE 2 GETS A B+.
Last edited by Occulis on 03/23/03 - 03:44; edited 1 time in total
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Occulis
RealPoor Jedi
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 13293
Location: Moral Relativity Central
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Posted: 03/23/03 - 03:44 Post subject:
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Silvermouse
RealPoor Jedi
Joined: 12 Oct 2002
Posts: 11015
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Posted: 03/23/03 - 05:03 Post subject:
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"* Galadlaeiddrial. Ultimate nurturer model. Never wrong. Sees all. Passes the ring test (of course). Presented as both the image of a ****, pure, ripe and fertile woman while simultaneously chaste and virginal, a holy Mary or mother-of-saints. Also known as the "this is the way retarded women with no grip on reality see themselves." I have a special disliking for this glorified toilet scrubber. Probably because I have grouped with many of these prima donnas in EQ and they are almost as sickening to deal with as are 45 year old flabby men who grease their hair back, drive 'muscle' cars and talk about "grabbing some brewskies."
* Unnecessary melodrama. 3 arrows in the chest and it still takes the Grondor (whatever) trecherous ring-luster human guy at least 9 hours to die while gasping out final prayers to Super Ranger."
I love you for saying this. I've grouped with many a Gaedrallaeiiaeaeiaaillya in my EQ time, and they all strive to be that woman from LoTR, living in a maelstrom of emotions, ready to hug you or slap you at any second!
Silvermouse tells the group, 'Hey Gaedrallaeiiaeaeiaaillya! You're almost all purple, you just need ethereal mist boots to finish it!"
Gaedrallaeiiaeaeiaaillya has left the group.
Gaedrallaeiiaeaeiaaillya is no longer a member of your guild.
Silvermouse tells the group, 'hmm...'
a_tank tells the group, 'sigh. Gaed lost on a roll for EM boots 6 years ago and it still hurts her deep inside. I think the entire guild should send her tells of encouragement and emote /dance and /hug whenever possible, especially when she tells everyone about how sick her cobra is, and how she fears for its well being...'
So one day she'll be leaving the group and/or guild at the drop of a hat, and the next day it will be 'LOL HUGZ'
Onto your other point, I also grow weary of long death speeches where the dying person clutches the arms of the person he plans to die on and the other person fetches tears and makes promises.
If I ever make a movie about a sick person who's about to die, their last words will just be a huge spray of vomit all over the person who loves them most. Then they'll make a twisting sound as their back contorts in deathtwitch and die right then, shit stinking the room. No wispy comments about the stars, no final instructions like, 'and...and tell J-Jimmy to swuh-swing away!"
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Occulis
RealPoor Jedi
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 13293
Location: Moral Relativity Central
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Posted: 03/23/03 - 09:41 Post subject:
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| Quote: | | their last words will just be a huge spray of vomit all over the person who loves them most |
hahaha wheeeeee
did you know a woman with missing purple boots?
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Sabathius
RealPoor Guru
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 2179
Location: San Angelo
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Posted: 03/23/03 - 09:47 Post subject:
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Yeah, GAlarlaadieilelelslas.
I <3 Elarvus adn Slivermouse.
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GruntingCod
RealPoor Master of Posts
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 6399
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Posted: 03/23/03 - 13:34 Post subject:
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That picture is work safe... theres no nudity...  
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