Paco
RealPoor Jedi
Joined: 13 Oct 2002
Posts: 12940
Location: Jacksonville, FL
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 Posted: 01/16/04 - 08:05 Post subject: Letter From White Houe Concerning Prisoners at Guantanamo
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Letter From White Houe Concerning Prisoners at Guantanamo Bay
A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the
treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached is
a copy of a letter they received back:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba.
The administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion
was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to
learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are
creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program,
to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers"
program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we
have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next
Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed)
is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded
in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you
to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections
to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate
with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving
meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks.
Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his
left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels
(which he will do in your yard) - but look on the bright side. No
increase in the toilet paper bill.
He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming
that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should
help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad
case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied. Please heed
the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not
play well with others."
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that
your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem"
will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test
came back negative, so not to worry. We understand that you plan to
offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is
extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human
life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not
suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next
yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive
devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,
unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
****) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons;
have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and
rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs.
He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more
than 2 or 3 days dead.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our
job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good
way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal
officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of
business soon, just to help you do your job better. Don't be
concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your
property, and arrest you for any
violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that
apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure
you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted,
right?
Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued
member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and
remember..we'll be watching.
Cordially...
Your Buddy, Don Rumsfeld
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