In case theres acually someone here who doesnt read Maxim

Grummpy · Luke Warm Joined: 12 Oct 2002 Posts: 322

Jun 2003 issue,

Next Stop France!:

Gallic Wars 58-51 B.C.

Julius ceasar was the first in a longline of foreigners to wipe his sandles on the face of france.
local chiefs welcomed him,hopeing he'd protect them from - why,looky here!- germany.
instead, Ceasar made them his b*****s.

100 years war 1337-1453 (w)

France, being progressively wiped out by technically weaker British forces, dramatically improved the caliber of her army by signing up one schitzophrenic teenage girl (Joan of Arc). We cant make this stuff up,folks.

Italian Wars 1494-1559 (L)

France mixed it up with various Italian city-states, hoping for a piece of the big pizza pie. Instead she got a Mafia-style beating, becoming one of the few countrys to lose multiple engagements to....ahem... Italy.

30 Years War 1618-1648 (T)

France was not initally a participant in this holy Roman Empire smacksdown but managed to get invaded anyway because...well, Why not?
We score it as a tie since the other participants eventually just started ignoring her.

French and Indian Wars 1689-1763 (T)

France's ploy to trick the Native Americans into conquering Canada and everything East of the Ohio river failed when said braves woke up and smelled the cheese.
Two "ties" in a row induced delusions of military grandeur.

American Revolution 1775-1783 (W)

in a movie that will sound eerily familiar to future Americans, France skipped in at the last Minute to claim a share of the victory. The first rule of French warfare: The less we fight the more likely we'll acually win.

French Revolution 1789 (W)

Real Victory at last!
Of course, this was at least in part because their opponent was French. And Fat...and asleep....and good at dancing...and prone to wearing wigs and vast amounts of clown makeup.

The Napoleonic Wars 1803-1815 (L)

Napoleon (great General...alas, corsican,not French) Marched army into a Russian winter in spring uniforms.

The Frenco-Prussian War 1870-1871 (L)

p****d off by a royal wedding in Spain, France Declared War on Germany. In one of Historys recurring roles, Germany laid siege to Paris.
One general defending the collapsing city acually fled in a hot-air balloon.

World War I 1914-1918 (T)

On the verge of loss, France was saved-get used to this-by the U.S.
Madame learned what its like to be a winner who doesnt call her Fraulein.
Sadly, GI condoms stalled the improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II 1939-1945 (L)

The conqured Frogs werejust sitting down to Bratwurst mit der Fuhrer when they were liberated by the U.S. and Britian.
They shaved the heads of Nazi collabrators untill the worlds razor supply was depleted.

War In Indochina 1946-1954 (L)

French colonialists forces in Southeast Asia pleaded sickness, Took to bed with the Dien Bien flu.
The frogs inspired Charlie to such intense hatred of foreigners, even the U.S. found itself mired in la merde.

Algerian War Of Independence 1954-1962 (L)

Now even poverty-stricken African colonial upstarts could smell patsy...the first rule of modern Muslim warfare was born: We can allways beat the French.

War On Terror 2001- in Progress

France, trying to get a jump on the inevitable, has surrendered to Germany and Fundamentalists Islam; a plan to surrender to Monaco was foiled when the Prince escaped in a cab.

Frog Facts:

40% of French man and 25% of French women Dont change the underware every day.
Together all those soiled briefs would make a stinking' chain 3,700 miles long from Paris to Baghdad and back!

Technically, Its not France; it's the Fith republic of France.
When the French Decide their constitution stinks, they just give up and slap together a new country.
Germany reportedly still wants in on this action.

Twisted Evil

In case theres acually someone here who doesnt read Maxim

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