How to Win Any Argument

Leilu · Sir Postalot Joined: 12 Nov 2002 Posts: 1164

Forwarded to me from a friend:

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

*Drink Liquor (JD) – Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you’ll discover that you have STRONG views about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

*Make Things Up – Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, and you’re darned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. Don’t say, “I think Peruvians are underpaid”. Say, “The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $863.07 below the mean gross poverty level”.

Note: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make that up too. Say, “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?”
Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your soiled underwear in my bath house.”

*Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list:
∑ Let me put it this way
∑ In terms of
∑ Vis-à-vis
∑ Per se
∑ As it were
∑ Qua
∑ So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as Q.E.D., e.g., i.e. These are all short for “I speak Latin and you do not.”

Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, “Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.” You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win arguments if you say, “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-à-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were, Q.E.D.” Only a fool would challenge that statement.

*Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks – You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
∑ You’re begging the question
∑ You’re being defensive
∑ Don’t compare apples to oranges (or watermelons)
∑ What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.

Here’s how to use your comebacks:

You say, “as Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…”
Your opponent says, “Lincoln died in 1865.”
You say, “You’re begging the question.”
OR

You say, “Liberians, like most Asians…”
Your opponent says, “Liberia is in Africa.”
You say, “You’re being defensive.”

One more full-proof comeback to note is the old “replace part of whatever word your opponent says with SCHM and repeat the word back at your opponent, first the real word, then the SCHM revision.” You can even use this to counter another master arguer. He says, “What are your parameters?” to which you confidently respond, “Parameters, Schmarameters.” Or he says, “you’re being defensive”, and you respond, “defensive, deschmensive.” If there’s a comeback to that, I’ve yet to hear it.

*And the ultimate trump card: Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler – This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “that sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler would say”, or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.”

Well, you now know how to out-argue anyone. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

Learn it; live it; pass it on…if you will.

Q.E.D.

How to Win Any Argument

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