EVERYTHING YOUWANTED TO KNOW ABOUT OCCULIS

Wulfheart · Sir Postalot Joined: 12 Oct 2002 Posts: 1478

What's that?" You ask, jiggling your head back and forth in a fit of
near-epileptic proportions, "Dunn is writing about his digestive functions? Is
the world ending? I thought he'd never stoop so low!"

Yes sirs and madams, I most certainly am. Today's topic deals with the effects
of high protein, high calorie diets followed by an immediate switch to
meatless, dairy-less, vegan diets.

First, let's talk about standard cubic centimeters per minute, or sccm. Since
there are lots of standards out there, let's also assume we are dealing with a
dry, pure methane from my ass at a pressure of 14.695psia and a temperature of
98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.

Large Intestine Output

As you can see, this chart has nothing to do with my anus or large intestine
yet it looks very nice and does, in fact, deal with 10 seconds of time.
However, it's blue and I think we all agree methane burns blue. Pigs fart
methane, and I'm pretty sure humans do, too.

My 12th grade chemistry lab assistant was hot as hell and would wear
mostly-businessy clothes which showed off her ample cleavage, light freckles
and occasionally a hard nipple. I didn't pay attention to the curriculum in
chemistry, but I was a great listener when she was talking. I'll never forget
her saying something about helium one day.

For these reasons, I know that I was farting every 10 seconds and not actually
dying this weekend. Imagine your stomach swelling up enough to make even your
favorite T-shirt tight. Next, your spine feels like a cactus, or maybe it's
your kidneys? Who knows, because you've got so much fiber in your system you
might as well be the poster boy for Colon Cancer Survivors.

No shit (ha ha!), my farts whuffed out from between the ole white cheeks so
often and in such a foul manner I contemplated just hiding in my apartment
until the storm blew over. But, hey, what good would that have done anyone?
Instead, I went to the 50th birthday party of the rambunctious yet serene Mom
of Kathy. There, I stood next to the 4 year-old and blasted a Dunn Furnace of
hideous methane at about six times per minute. The moms were sniffing the kids
like it was nobody's business, and The Dunn got away scott-free.

Today, my stomach hurts a lot less and I've only farted about twice per hour.

Oh - here is an update for those who are actually curious about my weight
training performance. I know it's only been a week, but a week of s****y eating
or good eating can make a heck of a difference.

* Body fat percent down 1.5%.
* Average calories burned in a 45 minute cardio session: 560. Previously it
was 520.
* Gained 2 reps on side delt raise, at 85% 1RM.
* Performing rest of weight lifting workouts approx 3 minutes quicker.
Doesn't sound like a lot, but you definitely feel the difference between 45
and 60 second rest intervals.
* No soreness after workouts which normally make me sore. This boggles me.
I'm consuming about 110g of protein per day, that's 80g less per day than
I've done for years, and I'm not sore even a bit. This seems to contrary to
a lot of what I've read about recovery.
* No dizziness, fatigue or irritability.
* No changes in caffeine, food or sweets cravings
* No urge to eat meat.
* Big urge to drink milk and eat cheese, though.

EVERYTHING YOUWANTED TO KNOW ABOUT OCCULIS

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