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Abiwabi
Luke Warm
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 395
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 Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:22 Post subject: Drama...
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Ok so my fiance of 2 years(Girlfriend of 8.5) years suddenly tells me "I don't know if I'm in love with you or if I'm suppose to be with you, but I do know I need you somewhere in my life and that I can't life without you". WTF. She tells me this a few days after her birthday in April and goes to stay with her mom. A back and forth battle ensues for a month or so (She says I need space I retreat , she comes running for me, then I need space she retreats and I go running for her) eventually it leads up to me trying to kill my self unsuccessfully twice trying to get her attention. No go and it just pushes her farther away. She keeps telling me it's these hormones they have her on (Lupron) to treat Endemetriosis and currently she's in month 4 of 6 of this treatment. She's also got this good "friend" named Mike that she stays the night with alot and see's alot because she can't stand to be at her mom's or with me currently. She gets mad when I want to see her and for wanting her to come home. She's being so goddamned selfish and throwing lots of shit in my face. Hepl =/
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Vio
Toomuchtimeonhands
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 977
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:30 Post subject:
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Dude - not good at all 
I was thinking yes just a girl thing until you threw in the 'good friend Mike thing'
No guy is a good friend of any chick unless there has been or is a chance of getting laid - or of course he is gay.
As far as you and the suicide thing, I went through some serious rough shit along those lines when my girl after 10 years basically said the same thing, wasn't sure what she wanted plus she felt bad for me waiting around for 7+ years for her University degree and now 3 more for her PHD and such. Best thing you can do is give her the space, if she wants you she will come back for you.
Doing shit to try and get her back does make her get further from you - been there and done that, I went through that shit and now my ex barely talks too me period because I pushed her away 10x over.
Now I am with another girl and very happy. Just give it time, don't pick up the phone as hard as it may be and don't go over there. Let things happen and if she wants to truly be with you then she will be, I never had another guy in the picture as far as my girl goes but that part doesn't look good.
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Nahualli
RealPoor Master of Posts
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 8461
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:30 Post subject:
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Sir... with all due respect to you and your wonderful other half...
Maybe this is a sign. You still want to spend the rest of your life with this person?
-Nah-
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denuvien
Luke Warm
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 153
Location: McMinnville, OR
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:35 Post subject:
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Run
Run Far
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Abiwabi
Luke Warm
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 395
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:35 Post subject:
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| Vio wrote: | Dude - not good at all
I was thinking yes just a girl thing until you threw in the 'good friend Mike thing' |
Same thing I was thinking =/ There is a whole lot of deception concerning this guy but she doesn't seem to think so. About a few months ago she first met him (She works at a Vet Clinic and he at the Animal Shelter etc) and he saved a dog that was to be put down that had come into her clinic. She was all happy and grateful and took him out to lunch. I had no problem with that. What I Had a problem with was my friend and I went up to her work a month later to take her to lunch and she was out with this guy. I confronted her about it and she said "Oh he's just a good friend, we go out 3-4 times a week now". If he was such a good friend I think she would have mentioned it before then. There's just soooo much b******t surrounding us it's not even funny.
I tried and am trying to give her space but it's hard to stop loving her the way I have for 8 years. I mean we've been together since we were 15 and it hurts to no ends for her to say she doesn't love me and is not suppose to be with me drugs or not =/
My therapist made me type out a list of "events" after she confronted me with the "news" and decided to go stay at her mom's. I'll post it here in a second so if anyone wants to read some f****d up shit. Have at it. Lemme know what you think, lemme know if I'm totally crazy and just remember it's my perspective on things but I try to be as objective as possible.
4-18
Allie leaves to go to her mom's house. She says she needs time to refocus and that she needs to have space from me on "neutral ground". Said she feels like she's being pulled away from me and that she loves me she's just not in love with me for some reason.
4-20
Allie comes back home and stays the night after we have another arguement after I had gone out with two female friends earlier.
4-21
Made plans to cook dinner for her and she made plans to go out with Mike for lunch as it was his birthday. Get a call later in the day saying she was swamped and that she's going out with Mike to dinner. I get jealous and hurt and say ok. She goes to her mom's after work and I see her online around 9:30. I ask if she had a good time and she said she just got out of the shower and that she was just about to head out. I said ok cool, we talk some more and she invites me to go eat with them. I get dressed and ready and two hours go by. I call her to get an update and she's talking to Mike on the front porch of her mom's house. Says she'll still take me out for dinner and that she'll call me later. Another hour goes by and it's almost midnight. I'm hungry, tired, hurt, jealous, angry and p****d. We argue back and forth and she says she'll come over after she's done talking to Mike. She comes over around 2:30 am and spends the night again.
4-22
She goes back and stays at her mom's but wants to have a chit chat with me over dinner concerning us. She officially says we are "broken up" and that she needs space and time to figure out whats going on in her mind. I get up and leave and start to walk home. She freaks out and wants me to come home. She picks me up and we go home.
4-23
We make a deal to try to work things out without being apart. We try to "just be ourselves and not make any long term plans", basicly she wants to live day to day and not worry about what I will think about her tomorrow.
4-24
We go shopping. I buy crayons and coloring books so we can color and "talk". She says she has never had her heart melt by someone buying her crayons .
4-25
I bought tickets to see Cirque De Soleil at the old Robert Mueller airport for her birthday which was on the 11th. The show was great she had a good time all was well.
4-30
Allie leaves again and says that the past week was great and that she needs to figure out why she can't be "here" with me after showing her how good we can be despite all the problems. We talk some and she tells me she needs an ambitious guy with a real job, that goes to school and that doesn't let his brother walk all over him. I go home and tell my brother to clean his room and respect the rules of the house or else leave. He leaves. We try some "apart" time with me staying at our house and her staying at her mom's. She says we can still hang out but that she is just going to sleep over at her mom's instead of at home in our bed with me. That night Tim and I were painting his room and wanted to go get some food. I called Allie to see if she wanted to come with us and she said she already had dinner with Mike.
5-1
Allie goes in for another one of her Lupron shots and wanted me to go with her at 1pm. She gets out of work late and says she won't be able to come pick me up and that she won't see me till maybe after work as she has a hair appointment right after her dr appt. She's too busy for me yet again.
5-2
Allie said she would call/come over seeing as how she didn't see me the day before. We were going to eat dinner and watch CSI(Crime Scene Investigator) and Without a Trace which is the only two show's we really watch and we never miss them. We would also only watch them together. She finally comes over around 11pm which is past dinner time and she says she can only stay for a little while. She stays for an hour and gets upset because I kiss her. She goes home and I call her and want to talk to her. Her sister Meg and my friend Tim are both over there and we have a big fight because she said she had to leave because she was tired and she couldn't sleep around me. I tell her I'd rather die that be put through this crap and she said if you are so threatened by Mike and are going to keep accusing me "I'll go sleep with him right now and I'll even call you during ****!". I flip out and hang up the phone. Tim comes to check on me but I had left to go for a walk to gather my thoughts. I get home around 2-3 am and haven't slept since 4-30 and have eaten very little since then.
5-3
I make a command decision to go stay with family up in Killeen to give her her space and so it won't be so convinient for her to see me when she wants. I called her before she went to work at 630am to tell her I was leaving and to not call me until she's ready for me to come home. I also told her to come and stay at the house and take care of all the animals while I was gone which she agrees too.
5-4
Allie calls me and says she misses me and she needs to know what color I wanted to paint our bedroom.
5-5
I call her to check on her because of her "slip" up on the previous day. We talk and she says she's coming up to Killeen because she has a test in school and wanted to know if I wanted to go to dinner with her.
5-6
She picks me up from my Granny's house after class and we eat at Bostons. We break down and have **** for the first time in nearly two weeks.
5-7
I'm cleaning out our house in Killeen in preparation for it to be sold and keep running over things that remind me of her, one thing in particular was a statement/poem she wrote me for our 7th anniversary and that she had framed and pretty'd up. It reads...
"I WILL LOVE YOU WITH ALL THAT I HAVE
I never thought I would ever feel this way about anyone. Love is such a strong word and such a small way for me to express exactly how I feel. When I say "Love" I think of two people who have been married for fifty years and have become close through the birth of several children. That certainly is not us. So does the word develop with the relationship? What will the word be when we have been married that long and have experienced the birth of several children? How ill we describe it? I know ho I feel. I love you and always will, what I don't know is why. I try to put it into words and just draw a blank. At first it was because you held my hand, then because you kissed me. Now, there are so many reasons I don't know where to start or how to word it. You make love to me and I feel like I could fly. My heart flutters when you look at me with those beautiful brown eyes. No, I don't exactly know why I love you; what I know is that I love you; should I really count the ways? You spoon me every night without me asking. That feeling that I get when you hold me, when we are watching a movie, and you put your head on my chest; that feeling that seems to engulf me when you turn you head away from the TV , and seem to be completely overwhelmed with us. That feeling is what I know as love. I often wonder how or why anyone would want to lessen the meaning of the word by using it so carelessly. The ability to love is truly the greatest gift we were ever given. It creates such a bond between two people that it is a wonder how anyone can fall out of love. The bond is what creates the spark between our two bodies that move in sync and ever so slowly late into the night. That same bond is what allows us to read each others minds and finish each others sentences. It brings us home every night to the same person; the one who knows us inside and out, better than anyone else on the face of the earth. Why do we do this? Is it habit or do we truly feel as if we need this person to live? To be honest, I believe I could not live a day without you in my life; and don't know how I ever did before I met you. You are one of the most important beings in my life, and I worship you every day. I hope you know this; I hope you never doubt this. If you ever do feel the doubt begin to swell within you, I hope you have this on hand, with you, wherever you go, to read and reread, as a reminder of how I feel. This is how I feel about you. This is how I will always feel about you-forever. I love you, Terance.
AND ALL THAT I AM-FOREVER"
I called her crying and she said she was sorry for hurting me and that she needs more time and that she can't talk to me right now when I'm like "this" and that she would call me after she gets off work that day. She didn't call me and wouldn't return my calls so I went to Round Rock and met her at the house in person. She said this is not going to work and that she needs time away from me to where I'm not bothering her. I say I won't call you or see you till you are ready.
5-10
Allie was suppose to go to the lake with Mike on Saturday to Carlos and Charlies. So I wanted to drop off presents for her and my mom at the house for Mothers day so that when she got home they would be there waiting. I get to the house in RR and she's just waking up. Mike never called and she had to take home a dog that just had surgery and needed to do exercises every few hours and Allie volunteered herself. I bought her a card from me saying I'm sorry and I miss you and another card that says "Thanks Mom" and signed it with all the animals names. I also bought her a small ceramic doll that says "Happy Birthday Princess" because she said she wanted to be treated like a princess and she should. I also got her a baby Albino Pacman frog (she loves frogs, has a tatoo of a small tree frog on her foot) with a terrarium and all the fixings. I set all the items on the porch as I didn't want to disturb her or make contact till she was ready like she requested. I rang the doorbell and ran and had to do it a few times as she thought someone was playing a prank on her. After she finally saw what was on the stairs she took them inside and called my phone. I debated going inside after she told me to come home and relented. I went in and sat down on the couch and we talked , she crawled in my lap and kissed me and said thank you and that she wanted to show me how she felt about me. She took me into the bedroom and let me read a poem she had written. Basicly the poem said she is suffering from withdrawals from me and she misses me alot. We end up showering together and sleeping together again and I asked her if she wanted me to stay the night and she said yes. I gave in again.
5-11
My mother comes over early to pick up my brother for the Mothers Day BBQ our family was having. I invite Allie and she is reluctant because we are not 100% even after she said we were better than we have been in nearly a month. She said she was 7/8th's in love with me and in danger of falling head over heels for me again. We go to the BBQ and have a good time.
5-12
1 step forward (Saturday night 5-10) 2 steps backward. I call her Monday night oblivious to her needs wanting attention from her (**** and emotional) and she's very unresponsive. I persist and push her too far after she had a rough day at work totally negating the previous week according to her with that one phone call. I say sorry, I'll see you tomorrow.
5-13
She has her second to last test in school and wants to go out to dinner with me again. We go out for dinner and sleep together again and she spends the night with me at my Granny's house.
5-14
She has to go to work and didn't get to shower or eat breakfast before she goes and the animals needed food . I drive to RR again and decided that on my way into town I'll bring her lunch because she doesn't get a lunch break working 11-6 and she didn't have breakfast. I call her at work and she's at home taking a shower and a small break. I call her at the house and bring her lunch and she goes back to work. I go to the petstore and buy crickets for her frog and dog food and various other items for the animals. I also stop by Hobby Lobby and pick up a doll house. She feels as though the house we were living in wasn't "ours" because my mom gave it to us and my brother was residing with us for so long (Almost a year). I attached a small note to the doll house saying "Since you don't think "our" house here in RR is "ours" how about we build our own little house of our own?" Love TC". She thought it was cute and thoughtful.
5-15
Her last test and nearing the end of the "two weeks" time she needed space from me . I asked her if she would like to go out and celebrate after he Finals and she was suppose to stay the night as I didn't want her driving home after drinking. I offered to sleep on the couch and she could sleep in my bed and she didn't want that. We end up fooling around again a few times and she gets upset again. Tammy from work calls and says she needs Allie to come into work to cover for her for an hour from 730-830 even though Allie is suppose to be off and already has plans. Allie says she'll go in which means she isn't staying the night with me and I get upset because my plans were negated again. I ask her if she wants to go with Kaci and I to the 5 hills festival the next day which is like a small Carnival and she says sure if it's not too early. I told her it would be around 8 and that she would have plenty of time to come up after work and if need be I'll wait.
5-16
D-day. Allie calls me from work around 5 o clock saying she's not feeling well and that she's tired and that she probably won't get out of work till around 7 or 730. I say ok, how about we go hang out Saturday night then. She agree's and all appears to be well. I go to the Festival with my Granny her friend and her grand daughter and my 6 year old cousin Kaci. I take them on a bunch of rides and we have a good time. Around 9-9:30 when I get a breath I call the house in RR to check on Allie and see if she is feeling better. My friend Tim answers the phone and says Allie went out at about 8. I say thats strange she told me she was too tired and wasn't feeling too hot. I call Allie's cell phone and leave a message saying "Hey I was just checking on you, you said you weren't feeling well and were a bit tired, give me a call when you get this". She never called me back and I called the house again at around 10-10:30. I asked Tim if Allie was back yet and he said no that she's only been gone for 2 and half hours. I asked if he knew who she went out with and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he didn't know or did he not want to tell me and that he better tell me. Tim says I think she went out with Mike. I say ok and hang up the phone. I leave the Festival and drive up to RR wanting to confront Allie because I felt lied to, pushed aside, cheapened, hurt and angry. Allie gets home around 11 and we talk a bit on the phone whilst I'm driving. We talk for about an hour and she says she's too tired to talk to me about us and that she'll talk to me tomorrow. She tells me Mike had a friend that overdosed and he needed a friend to talk to after that happened and that she took him to eat at Applebee's and to talk then she came home. Around 12 o clock she hangs up on me and I walk inside the house wanting her to talk to me. she says she's too tired and to just lay down and go to sleep. I said I don't want to sleep I'm not tired. She says thats too bad because I am. I said talk to me. She said no and got up and started to get dressed. I told her not to leave and to talk to me. She tried to leave off the bed and I pushed her down onto the bed 4-5 times. She then gets up and we start argueing . She says she doesn't want me and that she doesn't love me and that she doesn't care what I do or if I even live. I freak out and pull out my pocket knife and say "Is this what you want" and I cut my arm up and start bleeding. She starts crying and saying she can't deal with this she's going home. She wants me to give her her phone so she can leave. I refuse to give her her phone and then Mike calls twice. He wants to come over and have Allie comfort him because he isn't feeling ok. I get even more mad and hit the wall a few times with my hand bloodying up my knuckles. I put the knife down on the ground at some time when Allie started crying and she asked why are you doing this to me. I told her I love her and I just want her to talk to me. She said you don't love me and I said I love you about 10 times. I smeared a little blood on my fingers and wrote "I love you" on the wall in blood. She freaks out more and tries to leave through the front door. I push/pull her aside and shut the door. She then tries the back door, the side door even a few windows and I don't let her leave all the while saying just talk to me. She says she can't talk to me right now and that she just wants to go home. I pin her against the wall with my arms on either side of her (Just blocking her not physically pinning her to the wall) and I say talk to me. She kicks me and scratches me and slaps me a bunch and I don't respond with anything other than talk to me. Eventually she calms down and I calm down. She says to go home and I leave saying I'm so sorry I don't know what I was doing. She stays the night at the house and I go back to Killeen .
5-17
The next day she won't talk to me and won't tell me where she's staying because she's afraid of me and is not sure I won't hurt her or her family. She tells me she has to carry a pocket knife around with her at all times and under her pillow when she sleeps. She says we are over and there is no chance of us getting back together and that I threw away 8.5 years last night. I told her I can't live without her and that I was likely to do something stupid if she doesn't talk to me. She hangs up on me and says she's not doing this again. I leave my Granny's and go and check into a hotel room. I buy a bottle or two of sleeping pills and take a handfull in conjunction with some potent metabolism boosting pills on an empty stomach. I call Allie again for attention and she doesn't want to talk to me and just tells me to call my mom because she is worried about me and that she doesn't care what I do. I force myself to throw up the concoction of pills and take a handful of sleeping pills to go to sleep.
5-18
The next day I'm tired of trying to get her attention and tell my Mom to come pick me up and take me home.
I call Allie to see if she's ok and where she's staying . She says she doesn't want me to know where she's staying and I ask her just to tell me that she's safe. She does and says she is. She says not to call her and that when she has something to say to me she'll call me. I agree and go home to RR as she moved back to her mom's. I need someone to talk to and Allie won't talk to me. Tim only has a cell phone and it got disconnected Friday night. I email my friend Allison telling her to call me when she got this email as I need help and someone to talk to. Allison calls me later that night and we talk for about an hour. She tells me she's going to be in RR and that she needs to do laundry and that I should come over to her mom's or she could come over to the house and do laundry so we can talk. I tell her I'll come over to her mom's and for her to call me when she gets there the next day.
5-19
I go to work for my mom for a few hours till Allison calls me. I then go and apply for a few jobs before stopping over at Allison's mom's house. I hang out and talk to her for about 3 hours about Allie and I. She made me feel like I wasn't so crazy and manic and guilty. She made me feel less confused and a little more clear about what I was feeling. Tim comes over later that day and we go out to eat dinner and we talk and I tell him I talked to Allison and I share the conversation we had. He relates to me and we talk and I feel as though I have even more insight into Allie and whats she's feeling. Despite her telling me not to call her I call her and want to talk. She's not very responsive and still very angry. I just want to talk and she rebuff's me at every turn. She tells me not to call until she calls me and I leave her alone.
5-22
My mom calls Allie and tells her if we are over that she needs to come get her stuff out of the house in RR and that she needs to take all her animals. We have five dogs, five cats, five ferrets, two birds and one frog. My mom also wanted us to sell the truck so the loan isn't in our names anymore. Allie tells this to me in an email and I call her crying yet again saying I dont want to make any lifestyle changes given the gravity of the situation. The hormones from her surgery, the fight we had, the traumatic experience for both of us. Allie agree's and we talk for over an hour. She says she'll call me when she's ready and I say ok.
5-23
My mom manipulates Allie into coming over to her house so she can talk. Allie told me my mom read her the riot act and wanted to know what was on her mind. After it all my mom said she loves Allie no matter what. I was at home when my mom called me saying that the girl that just left here is not the Allie that she and I have loved for the past 8 years. The person that was so mean and hurtful was not the same Allie we had grown to know and love. I asked my mom what happened and she said they had a talk and that Allie was very apathetic "I don't care, we are over, he f****d up, it's over, he should have respected me more than to do that to me and he just threw away 8 years, I'll never get over it, I never want to see him again, I'm afraid for my life and my families". I call Allie and she's crying on the phone and I ask her what happened. She said my mom and her talked and it upset her alot. Allie said she was confused and hurt and didn't want to hurt my family despite them saying they still love her. I told Allie that we were and are both out of our minds and we just need a little time to find ourselves. I told her that when she finds Allie Adams to come call me and I'll see if I found Terance Berry. When we find ourselves then we can find each other. She agree's and says she just needs time and I agree that I can give her time. She says she'll call me in a few days or whatever. I talk to her on the computer later that night and she wants to go do something or go drinking. I tell her Tim and I are going to go out to dinner and that she is free to join us. She declines and says maybe tomorrow for "brunch". I tell Tim and he agree's to go as I thought Allie was still afraid to be around me alone.
5-24
I'm cleaning house by myself when I walk out into the living room and Allie is standing in the hall way feeding the frog. She scared me to death as I never expected to see her again much less that soon. She said she needed to come get some clothes and things to take to her mom's. I help her pack and we talk some and were going to go get lunch but ended up just talking. She says she'll talk to me later and that she was glad she came over.
5-25
I send Allie an email saying I have something to show her and that if she's interested call me back. She calls and wants to see me and I tell her I'm over at a friends house. She comes and picks me up and we go home and she stays the night. She leaves the next morning at 6 am.
5-26
I clean the house some more and then talk to her around 1pm when she gets on the computer and says she just woke up. Tim, Allie and I go eat at China Wall then go to Hastings to get some movies for her because she doesn't have much at her mom's. After that she goes out to Jaynes(Girl from work) to pick up baby of some sort that they found out in the field. I talk to her on the computer later that night and she's a little upset. Mike is on the phone being an a*****e because he's drunk and telling Allie stuff she doesn't want to hear.
5-27
Allie had a bad day at work and calls me and asks if Tim and I want to go to dinner. I said sure let me call Tim and ask him. We all agree and go out to eat. Everyone is fairly quiet at dinner and Tim gets up to go have a cigarette. Allie asks whats wrong with Tim and I said you don't want to know. She persists and I tell her several times that she doesnt want to know. She says yes I do tell me. I explain to her that Tim is expressing concern about how she's acting towards me and Mike. Allie gets offended and says she doesn't care what anyone thinks and that if she wants to go over and stay the night at Mike's she can because she only has to answer to herself and that it's nobody elses business including mine(Terance). She gets upset and defensive. She told me earlier that she would feel comfortable sleeping next to Mike in bed because he respects her not to try anything and that she doesn't care what I think or that it's any of my business despite our nearly 9 years of loyalty to each other. I tell her thats fine and I can accept that , I tell her she needs time to find out whats going on in her head and I can wait. We go back home and she stays the night and leaves the next morning around 10:30. I told her she shouldn't have to feel weird around us and that she can come hang out with us when she wants. She said she feels like she's being judged by two people that know her the best out of anyone, more than her own mom and she doesn't think she should have to explain her actions to anyone. We express concern because her apathy is very out of character and we acknowledge that we know her better than anyone. That her actions and feelings are not her own and she's obviously confused which is why we are expressing concern. She gets tired with the conversation again and says she'll see me after work despite feeling weird around the house and the emotions it conjures up.
5-29
Well I confronted Allie about the logs that chick sent me. Basicly Allie was telling them things and then when I asked her point blank about them she told me something differently. Stuff about how the only time she slept on the couch at Mike's was the first night she was there and how her sleeping next to him is asking for trouble and her acknowledging it to them. She got very defensive when I asked her about it and she wouldn't answer me yes or no or basicly she wouldn't commit to either way. She would just get angry and say she's not having this conversation. Later that night she went over to Mike's again and I called her wanting to talk to me and she refused. So then I called Mike's phone and she answered it and said she's not talking to me on this phone either. She then turned off both phones and I decided to go over there and try to get her to talk to me. She got mad at me for "tracking her down" when all it takes is someone's first and last name and then it becomes a matter of public record. Anyhow she emailed me the next day saying we are really over this time and she's tired of the headgames and that she did for the first time sleep in Mike's bed (No indication of **** activity from her, I don't think she'd do that in a million years but then again we are so very messed up right now ). I had my therapy session again with Mark Tays. When I go see him he makes me feel peaceful as in my problems are well thought out and executed and that I'm not totally crazy for thinking what I'm thinking. I really want Allie to accompany me to one of my sessions because when I go I find myself nodding alot when he's giving me advice or making an observation. I think Allie may be afraid of the truth that she is being irrational or at least not in her right mind set or maybe she's just suffering from an extreme case of denial. Whatever it is I don't see how coming with me to my session can really hurt things. They can only make things better for us and we as individuals. She said she couldn't do it Monday as she has to work all day but that she would think about coming with me to one later in the week. I'm suppose to go get lunch with Stef and her new girlfriend but Tim is not here and I have to take the truck back to my mom. Hopefully he'll show up sooner or later.
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Abiwabi
Luke Warm
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 395
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:38 Post subject:
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| Nahualli wrote: | Sir... with all due respect to you and your wonderful other half...
Maybe this is a sign. You still want to spend the rest of your life with this person?
-Nah- |
I do =/ Thing is...this person she's become over the past few months is not her. I'm trying to tell myself "it's just the hormones and drugs" I mean they have her on this shit to make her go through menopause and then on prozac to combat the "mood swings". It just doesn't feel right =/ It seems as though she's going out of her way to "hurt" me with no regard to my feelings despite us being together for nearly 9 years =-/
I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this current itteration of Allie but do want to spend the rest of my life with the former girl before the "change" =/
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Akronn
Guest
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:41 Post subject:
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| Vio wrote: | | Doing shit to try and get her back does make her get further from you - been there and done that, I went through that shit and now my ex barely talks too me period because I pushed her away 10x over. |
Totally true, guilt-tripping especially is the worst possible way to go.
It sucks having spent many years together with someone just to see it fall by the wayside, but you're a better person for staying true for so long and now it might be time to move on. If it's meant to be, then she'll be back. But don't wait, go out and enjoy yourself.
I don't like this 'Mike' situation either. I have dated girls who had very close guy friends and never did anything with them (poor guys... dicks in a glass jar!), but in my mind it creates an uncomfortable atmosphere of mistrust. And without trust, what is there?
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Abiwabi
Luke Warm
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 395
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:45 Post subject:
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| Akronn wrote: | | I don't like this 'Mike' situation either. I have dated girls who had very close guy friends and never did anything with them (poor guys... dicks in a glass jar!), but in my mind it creates an uncomfortable atmosphere of mistrust. And without trust, what is there? |
I agree and don't mind her having close friends at all. She told me she didn't think of him that way but I know for a fact that he wants to take their relationship to the "next level". The day after I stupidly went looking for her over at his apartment she told me a sob story about how his apartment got flooded and he had to stay with his mom's yet a week later I saw him leaving his apartment with her in his truck =/
I don't expect her to trust me fully especially after the shit I did to her and the ways I scared her. Read my "diary" to understand better and you'll see how much she f****d me up =/
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Paco
RealPoor Jedi
Joined: 13 Oct 2002
Posts: 12939
Location: Jacksonville, FL
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:45 Post subject:
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dude..i saw "mike" on that waaaay too much
i'd say, by skimming thru..didn't read the "event log" you wrote, but there was too much indicating that she's quite happy with this mike fellow and you're just a friend..sad to say. I'd say you should confront her and ask her very pointed, yes/no questions, be very blunt and see what the deal is..
don't put yourself thru hell hoping for something that may or may not be there, find out for sure, and don't be a p***y about it..i'm not saying this to be mean..it's just I'd like you to be as happy as you can. nobody should get dragged thru shit like that..so do yourself a favor and look out for yourself first, then worry about her. finding out may come with a price, so be prepared for the worst before hand.
to me, it sounds like she needs to move out..if she needs space, give it to her, but make sure you don't share any space while she is...I think you're getting setup for the fall, so don't be unprepared..the odds are stacked against you.
i'm with you right there on the suicide thing...and i have nothing to be suicidal about either..i'm just prolly clinically depressed. one of these days i'll go get happy pills from the doctor's...anywho..I digress
may the force of RP be with you, always
my brother be strong!
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Vio
Toomuchtimeonhands
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 977
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:50 Post subject:
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Yeah Ab
I was with my girl 10 years man and I never had to deal with a single guy interfering and I am not sure what that is like but no doubt would be VERY hard but friends or not - you don't go out with someone you know 3-4 times a week just as friends. Not in this day and age, I don't care who you are, much less than stay at his house just because you don't like staying at mother's place.
Unfortunately she seems like she is being unfaithful, maybe she isn't but fingers are pointing that way and honestly I don't buy this he saved a dog thing so I took him out for lunch, yeah saving a dog and all is good but if he is a vet would she take him out too lunch everytime he saved an animal or any other vet for that matter? It is his job - anotherwards she had an attraction to this dude and was a way to ask him out.
Hate to say it but sounds very much like that is the situation. I went through the counselling and everything as well after my 10 year stint and hell was about to ask my girl to Marry me only months after she broke it off. And yeah I know how hard it is and how much it drives you crazy every minute of every day not too be with her.
Best thing however too do is space and let it happen and like I said man, she will not what she is missing once its gone. In the end it too might just be the best thing for you.
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lumber
Luke Warm
Joined: 08 May 2003
Posts: 331
Location: Central Florida
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:54 Post subject:
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Its over bro. There are lots of hawt girls out there. GO f**k EM!
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Abiwabi
Luke Warm
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 395
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:56 Post subject:
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| Vio wrote: | Yeah Ab
I was with my girl 10 years man and I never had to deal with a single guy interfering and I am not sure what that is like but no doubt would be VERY hard but friends or not - you don't go out with someone you know 3-4 times a week just as friends. Not in this day and age, I don't care who you are, much less than stay at his house just because you don't like staying at mother's place. |
It wasn't just because she doesn't like staying at her mothers. It was because she didn't want me to know where she was. See we had this big blow out fight one night where she was suppose to go hang out with me but was too tired. Come to find out Mike had a friend OD and called Allie to "comfort him" and she went out with him and I found out. We fought and things were said and done that I regret to no end. I cut my wrists in front of her. I pushed her around and bruised her pretty good (I never hit her...I pushed her onto our bed a few times and wouldn't let her leave, yeah stupid me). She felt safe over there simply because I didn't know where he lived and she was afraid for her life or so she says. Which doesn't make much sense as a week after that she came over to the house to get some stuff suprising the hell out of me.
=/
It just doesn't make sense. I don't drink, don't do drugs, was faithful for 8.5 years, gave her a place to live when her parents kicked her out after highschool. Gave her two vehicles to drive, gave her a house to live in, paid for her college when her parents wouldn't/couldn't and spent god knows how much money keeping her animals alive that she would always bring home =/
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Abiwabi
Luke Warm
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 395
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 08:59 Post subject:
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| lumber wrote: | | Its over bro. There are lots of hawt girls out there. GO f**k EM! |
There might be. But she was my first and only woman for the past 8 years. Been dating since we were 15, living together for 6 years and engaged for 2 years =/ I love her too. You know what it feels like to love someone unconditionally and their simple lack of love hurts you because you can't figure out why they don't love you anymore? You look at yourself in the mirror and think "What the hell is wrong with me?". I rarely sleep, I don't eat (I lost 40 lbs in 2 months ) can't think straight and can't go a day without crying.
Pain.
Uncertainy.
The future?
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Vio
Toomuchtimeonhands
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 977
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:05 Post subject:
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| Paco wrote: | dude..i saw "mike" on that waaaay too much
i'd say, by skimming thru..didn't read the "event log" you wrote, but there was too much indicating that she's quite happy with this mike fellow and you're just a friend..sad to say. I'd say you should confront her and ask her very pointed, yes/no questions, be very blunt and see what the deal is..
don't put yourself thru hell hoping for something that may or may not be there, find out for sure, and don't be a p***y about it..i'm not saying this to be mean..it's just I'd like you to be as happy as you can. nobody should get dragged thru shit like that..so do yourself a favor and look out for yourself first, then worry about her. finding out may come with a price, so be prepared for the worst before hand.
to me, it sounds like she needs to move out..if she needs space, give it to her, but make sure you don't share any space while she is...I think you're getting setup for the fall, so don't be unprepared..the odds are stacked against you.
i'm with you right there on the suicide thing...and i have nothing to be suicidal about either..i'm just prolly clinically depressed. one of these days i'll go get happy pills from the doctor's...anywho..I digress
may the force of RP be with you, always
my brother be strong! |
Agreed - Ab one thing you need to do for you is simply confront her in a good way, tell her you want some answers for you - tell her all you want is her to be honest with you and you will let her be. Ask her the questiosn regarding Mike. Simply ask her if she is interested in him, ask her is it more then friends. Tell her you deserve too know, honestly after 8 years she should have the decency too at least tell you and be honest.
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Manuva
Banned
Joined: 12 Oct 2002
Posts: 2536
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:05 Post subject:
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I gotta commend you in one area tho Wabs
If my girl did this to me I wouldn't be slitting my wrists in front of her, I'd tie her in front of a mirror and make her watch (until she passed out of course) me cut her hands, feet, ears and tongue from her body.
They'd find her in a dumpster somewhere man.
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Abiwabi
Luke Warm
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 395
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:07 Post subject:
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| Vio wrote: | | Agreed - Ab one thing you need to do for you is simply confront her in a good way, tell her you want some answers for you - tell her all you want is her to be honest with you and you will let her be. Ask her the questiosn regarding Mike. Simply ask her if she is interested in him, ask her is it more then friends. Tell her you deserve too know, honestly after 8 years she should have the decency too at least tell you and be honest. |
Been there done that . She said if things do change she will let me know. I've confronted her about him several times. I just don't get it. As it sits she finds him emotionally and physically attractive but she said he's not her type and that she's probably not hers. This guy has been married once already and probably see's how vulnerable she is =/
I feel so f*****g lost.
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Vio
Toomuchtimeonhands
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 977
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:11 Post subject:
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I will tell you when I went through the entire suicide shit it was bad, very bad. But the worst thing I ever did was put that shit in front of her - it drove her away in droves. Put it this way, if you took your life and did in fact die over it she would have to live the rest of her life with it on her mind that someone killed themself over her because she didn't want to be with you anymore.
That is one hell of a way to want someone to get as far away from you as possible. I scared the shit out of my ex with it and made her hate me for it for a long time, we are friends now and things are OK between us.
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Vio
Toomuchtimeonhands
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 977
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:15 Post subject:
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you will feel lost for a long time, trust me on that one. Rarely a day went buy I didn't break down for months after. I went from someone I spent prettymuch every single day of my life with to one day them not there anymore period. It is worse then a death because that person is still there somewhere and all you want is to be with that someone and you fight with yourself forever wondering WTF you did wrong or what you can do too make it right.
The best thing you can do too make it right is distance yourself, as far as her saying what she did as far as Mike goes it could also be because she does not want to hurt you and tell you yeah she is with this guy.
It is impossible that she doesn't actually LOVE you anymore, if she honestly and truly means that word for word then she never did Love you
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Celestra
RealPoor Master of Posts
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 6929
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:17 Post subject:
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| Abiwabi wrote: | | Nahualli wrote: | Sir... with all due respect to you and your wonderful other half...
Maybe this is a sign. You still want to spend the rest of your life with this person?
-Nah- |
I do =/ Thing is...this person she's become over the past few months is not her. I'm trying to tell myself "it's just the hormones and drugs" I mean they have her on this shit to make her go through menopause and then on prozac to combat the "mood swings". It just doesn't feel right =/ It seems as though she's going out of her way to "hurt" me with no regard to my feelings despite us being together for nearly 9 years =-/
I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this current itteration of Allie but do want to spend the rest of my life with the former girl before the "change" =/ |
/hug
I'm sorry you're going through all this shit, and I know it's hard to make sense of it when you're in the middle of it. It's good that you're getting help and talk about it though.
I don't know your fiancee, but from your story it sounds like she is just not happy with the way things are now and wants to change things. (Unless it really is caused by the drugs, in which case I would talk to her mom and see if she can persuade her to get stuff checked out with a docter)
I say give her lots of space, don't be at her back and call. Don't bend yourself over backwards to talk to her. Let her be, sort yourself out, and try to reconcile yourself with the thought that even if you had a great 9 years, chances are it will NEVER be the same, even if in the future you two do get back together. And consider the possibility that she will move on with someone else (Mike?). Don't jump everytime she calls or comes over. Set your own boundaries. Maybe you both need some time.
Speaking from experience (having broken up a relationship of 8 years): you can make it through this. You don't see it now but you can and you will. Distance and time away gives perspective and you may find out that you two weren't right for eachother. And maybe you are and you will work it out in time. But for the time being I would advise you to take a big, long, breather.
Also one other piece of advise. You (& your mom) say that she is not the person she used to be that you fell in love with. Consider the fact that people change and the key to any relationship is growing together, not holding eachother back (change is often a way to progress in life). If and when you talk to Allie, don't "accuse" her of having changed and why did she have to f**k up the "perfect" relationship you describe in your statement. Try to figure out what has changed and maybe why if you feel you have to know, but accept her for who she is NOW (and will be later?). That may have consequences for your relationship (or for it existing at all) but it is essential.
(Edit: PS: by accepting her for who she is I don't mean taking all kinds of crap from her. Her confusion is HERS, and she needs to figure it out. Don't let her push you around.)
Chin up and if you need to talk to someone, feel free to PM me.
Last edited by Celestra on 06/10/03 - 09:24; edited 1 time in total
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sinrakin
RealPoor Master of Posts
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 7044
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:23 Post subject:
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Sorry, that's some really painful stuff to go through. It happens to almost everybody at some time or another though. My feeling is, I guess, when it's over, it's over.
I went through something similar - I was her first serious relationship - we lived together 5 years, and she wanted to break up. I talked her out of it, with great difficulty - promised to change (more responsible, less arrogant, more gentle, etc), and did, to some extent. We stayed together for another 5 years, even got married, but she wasn't really happy, or at least maybe thought she could be happier. She started spending a lot of time with this guy from work - dull but easygoing - and decided again she wanted to leave. I didn't fight it the second time - it seemed having stopped her once, it wasn't really fair to stop her a second time. Looking back, it was the right thing, and my biggest regret is that last wasted five years. Not that they weren't often fun and enjoyable, but it's time that could have gone into shared experiences and building a life with someone I'd still be with in the future. I'd give anything to be able to do those years over again with my wife now.
So I guess I'm saying it's hard/impossible to go back, and even if you can patch things up you need to think about whether that's the right thing to do. You could stay open to the possibility, but don't try to force it just because anything else is inconceivable.
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Manuva
Banned
Joined: 12 Oct 2002
Posts: 2536
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:30 Post subject:
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Kill her
If you can't have her, nobody should.
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principessa
RealPoor Guru
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 3149
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:32 Post subject:
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see new post. Firedrills > me today 
Last edited by principessa on 06/10/03 - 09:59; edited 2 times in total
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Paco
RealPoor Jedi
Joined: 13 Oct 2002
Posts: 12939
Location: Jacksonville, FL
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:34 Post subject:
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| Quote: | | Also one other piece of advise. You (& your mom) say that she is not the person she used to be that you fell in love with. Consider the fact that people change and the key to any relationship is growing together, not holding eachother back (change is often a way to progress in life). If and when you talk to Allie, don't "accuse" her of having changed and why did she have to f**k up the "perfect" relationship you describe in your statement. Try to figure out what has changed and maybe why if you feel you have to know, but accept her for who she is NOW (and will be later?). That may have consequences for your relationship (or for it existing at all) but it is essential. |
also very true..people change, and i heard recently that women will do some major changes when they're between 19 and 26, then they are the kind of person they're going to be for a long time...but during that period of time, they may feel the need to try things out, and make sure they're not missing out on something...they mature emotionally and that's that..for a guy, i think it's like 26-30, hehe..cause we're slow. 
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scoresia
RealPoor Sensei
Joined: 10 Mar 2003
Posts: 1500
Location: Florida
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:45 Post subject:
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Ok, time for a woman't point of view.
1) The hormone thing, coming from experience, YES hormones can make a woman crazy. The way it works in a woman' mind, when all is well we have a little "emotional leeway" meaning there is a little buffer there that allows certain things to not bother us. When a woman goes through a traumatic experience, like surgery, that emotional leeway becomes thin, She's dealing with so much that simple things will bother her. For example, a woman who was never concerend with her man's habit of leaving the toilet seat up, when emotionally trained and depressed will let that get to her and become upset. Think of it this way, emotional stability is a rubber band, when all is normal that band is loose and there is room for pulling. When a woman is stressed, the band is tight, there is no more room for pulling and the small things start to take their toll.
What I am trying to say is, she's going through alot, treatments and surgery. The little things about you that didn't bother her before, now do. Give her room, In all honesty, you should try to get her mom to make her see a therapist. Seems to me like there is alot repressed there that she needs to deal with
2) The Mike thing, seems to me like there is more going on there than would seem. She may not be **** intimate with this guy, but she may be emotionally intimate, either way i consider it cheating. Sleeping at another man's house is unacceptable when you are in a relationship. According to what you said in your "diary" she has also lied to you about him on several occasions, then, she feels guilty for doing it and wants to come running back to you. Seems like she wants her cake and to eat it too, not fair to you. Again, therapy. There has to be an underlying reason she would do this. Something she was able to put off before but due to her stress levels is unable to do now.
3) Suicide, the only thing you accomplish with that, is hurting yourself and the ones you love. I live by 1 rule in life. When shit starts to go sour I say to myself, "It's only temporary" Money problems, love problems, everything is temporary. Don't make a permanent descision to a temporary problem. She will get over this, wether she is with you when it's over or not has yet to be seen but at least give yourself the chance to be there to find out.
This is a f****d up situation, yes she is acting like a fool, yes she is doing things all wrong, but so are you. When she tells you she needs space then comes running back to you the next day, you need to ask her if 1 day is enough time. If you are gonna give her space, then give her space, don't call her for dinner, don't invite her to stay over, when she calls you to hang out, ask her! Have you had enough time to think about us, are you ready to get some counseling together and make a serious effort to work things through. She needs to make up her mind, and decide to either be with you or Mike. Guy friends are ok, but you don't sleep at their house and you sure as hell don't lie to your boyfriend about it.
Ok, enough ranting. Good luck hun
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Nobonius
Sir Postalot
Joined: 27 Dec 2002
Posts: 1121
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:54 Post subject:
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Im personally offended by the whole comment made about guys not being able to be just good friends with a girl unless there is a hint of **** involved or he is gay. Im real good friends with lots of girls and I am not even thinking of **** with them. Not all of us are the "typical male."
And to Abiwabi.... this situation isnt good man. I would say just give her the distance she wants... If you try to push anything, it will probably drive her farther away. If she really wants you in the end, she will realize it when you stop calling her so much, you stop seeing her as much. Right now she is undecided what she really wants, let her figure it out. No sense trying to be with somebody who doesnt really want to be with you in return. As hard as it sounds, just wait a bit... Hopefully she will realize that your the one and it wont take long. But if you keep pushing it, you will turn into an obsessive annoyance. Just my two cents....
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Abiwabi
Luke Warm
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 395
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:55 Post subject:
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| scoresia wrote: | | 3) Suicide, the only thing you accomplish with that, is hurting yourself and the ones you love. I live by 1 rule in life. When shit starts to go sour I say to myself, "It's only temporary" Money problems, love problems, everything is temporary. Don't make a permanent descision to a temporary problem. She will get over this, wether she is with you when it's over or not has yet to be seen but at least give yourself the chance to be there to find out. |
I have this quote I use to throw around when I would do stupid stuff and people would say "You are going to kill yourself". Stuff like climbing up a parking garage (4 stories) on the outside of the building, riding on top of a car doing 100 mph etc. I'd just say "Don't take life seriously, it's not permanent".
I feel like a dog that got kicked in the face and the only thing I can think to do is apologize for being in the way of the kicking foot .
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Finigan
RealPoor Guru
Joined: 11 Oct 2002
Posts: 3817
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:56 Post subject:
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I seriously think you should try to move on. This girl seems to love to play head games.
| Quote: | | she loves me she's just not in love with me for some reason. |
If a chick I was going out with said this, I would pretty much end it right there. You either love someone or you don't. And what is that crap about she thinks she is "7/8th's in love with you" ?
It seems like she maybe wants to go out with this Mike guy and she doesn't really know how to break it off with you because you keep doing nice things and she feels bad. But what's actually happening from this is that she is completely mind f*****g you worse than she would be if she just came and told you up front, which she should have done in the first place.
You should let this girl go, she just sounds like bad news with how she treats you, twisting stuff around and blowing you off constantly to do something else.
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Paco
RealPoor Jedi
Joined: 13 Oct 2002
Posts: 12939
Location: Jacksonville, FL
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Posted: 06/10/03 - 09:57 Post subject:
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| Finigan wrote: | | You should let this girl go, she just sounds like bad news with how she treats you, twisting stuff around and blowing you off constantly to do something else. |
something else with someone else...that's the part that sucks the most bud
eject! eject! eject!
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scoresia | |
